In my opinion, change is not only inevitable, it is desirable.
My entire life, I have dreamt of change; as a young girl I wanted to move to New York City to pursue my ‘Gossip Girl dream’, I then wanted to au-pair in Paris and even considered to study art in London. All of these visions of what was supposed to be ‘my ideal life’, looked nothing like my life at that moment. That was exactly what I found so exhilarating about it; I wanted to get away from the ‘small and boring’ town I lived in, and pursue my international interests. I find it fascinating to see that I always wanted a life that would be so different to what I was used to, that I almost discarded the adventurous, interesting and beautiful parts of my life that were already present. I guess it is true what they say: you always want what you don’t have. The perhaps slight lack of gratitude is something I think many people subconsciously experience. At the time, when I was just starting high school, I think I might have underrated the effects of making such life-choices; moving to a big city as a teenage girl is not something to underestimate. It is easy to highlight the good and exciting times and to forget about the obstacles along the way. Similarly, it is also easy to forget about how good it used to be at home, when you are alone in this new world. Don’t get me wrong, I have always been appreciative of what I had, but I always longed for something different. I was so convinced that the obstacles that would come with this wish would be minor and easily overcome, since I was ‘made’ for the big city way of living. Of course, things will turns out alright eventually, but I have gained some new insights when it comes to this past way of thinking.
Now that I am actually about to commence my new life in Amsterdam, I realize very well that this is indeed what I have always wanted, however there is more to it then I might have grasped before.
I approach changes in a very radical way; all the practicalities need to be sorted and organized; I will make sure that everything is done that needs to be done. I wouldn’t say I make choices impulsively, because a lot of thought goes into what is best for my development, however I do often choose to mainly go with what feels exciting, at times when I feel confident, encouraged and ready. Unfortunately, I don’t always feel confident, encouraged and ready. Sometimes it is easy for fear and insecurities to take over, especially when the moment of drastic change is approaching. A few nights ago, before I completely moved to Amsterdam, my doubts got the better of me. I wondered if I could handle this all by myself, if I would be able to do a good job at my study and work and I wondered if I would be able to set up an entirely new network of friends and other connections to keep me company in such a big city full of strangers. During dark nights, I recognize the fact that this is indeed quite a lot to take on. I then try to remind myself that this is something I can and will do; I just have to take it day by day and step by step.
At the end of the day, I have noticed that I don’t always realize to what extent certain big choices I make affect me mentally when the time of change arrives. Everything can be so overwhelming, but that doesn’t mean the change is not worth it. I know from past experiences that times during which I felt most ‘out of my comfort zone’ and a little afraid (obviously also in combination with excitement), have brought me the most in terms of development and getting to know myself. I am extremely curious to see what this challenge will bring me. Change is scary, but I couldn’t be happier that I am in the middle of it.
Of course, I will be documenting my ‘new life’ on here and on my Instagram page @sophiedevocht. Hope to see you there!